I was amazed the first time my oldest child’s preschool teachers sent home a list of names, with instructions for my kid to give each child in the class a Valentine.

Really? A child who has to be told to wipe his nose is old enough for romance? 

Never mind that St. Valentine apparently was no romantic. He was apparently beheaded for refusing to abandon Christianity, so maybe we could make puns about how lovers also lose their heads. (Or, not.) Valentine’s Day is a time for people who are old enough to make mad, passionate love (or at least neck) to give cards to their beloveds, drink wine, stare deeply into each other’s eyes, eat luscious food and then retire to the bedroom (for those old enough) to either make babies or just have a rockin’ good time.

But nothing kills the mood for toe-curling sex more than having one’s Valentine’s preparation time eaten up helping a young child make cards for an entire class. “How to you spell Aidan?” kid asks. “A-I-D-A-N,” I say. “Too fast!” the kid says. So, you repeat it letter by letter. Then, on to the next classmate, 26 times. Excruciating.

To worsen matters, CVS, which used to sell packages of “train,” “dinosaur” and “cute kitten” themed Valentine cards, now has only kid Valentine cards with candy. Bad, children’s candy.

This is all just wrong, and it’s time that those of us old enough to screw legally reclaim our right to Valentine's romance uninterrupted by PTA calls for cookies with pink sprinkles or last-minute runs to the store for more kid Valentine cards.

This year: Just say no to classmate Valentines and refuse to help with the school Valentine’s Party. Instead: Buy a lock for the bedroom door, a bottle of red wine and put on your beloved’s favorite romantic songs. And play a little spin the bottle.

It’s good for the kids to be ignored. And it’s good for your marriage. And it’s really, really, really fun.

Resolution report: Whoa, pretty much a fail. I lost no weight but didn’t gain any. Exercised once and didn’t get to stretch class. On the bright side, got rid of many more than 15 things thanks to finishing the book cull. For the garden, finally cleaned the last of the seeds I’d saved from last year. (Need morning glory? I’ve enough seeds for an acre.) Total is a miserable 2 1/2 out of five.